Leading without losing yourself – I want to explore when helping can actually be detrimental to growth. It’s a topic that’s close to my heart, I’ve always been intrigued by the concept of the helper’s high. It’s the burst of oxytocin flooding through you when you perform acts of kindness, the dopamine hit that gives you a euphoric feeling and the serotonin that regulates our mood. Serving others selflessly feels amazing – at least, it’s supposed to. But there’s a darker, less discussed flip side to this altruistic effort that I want to shed light on.
When the Burden of Helping Becomes Too Heavy
Helping is like a double-edged sword that can sometimes cut the hand that wields it. Have you ever found yourself trapped in a habitual pattern of helping where you end up with a gnawing sense of resentment as cortisol and adrenaline replace the love hormones? I’ve been there, as a coach, a leader and a recovering rescuer. My desire to help often landed me in a paradox of over-commitment and stress – and I know many of you resonate with this too.
The White Knight Syndrome in Leadership
As leaders, we want to empower, inspire and alleviate the burdens of our teams. But there’s a trap here that’s all too easy to fall into: becoming the noble white knight. What starts as altruism can quickly devolve into a dynamic where we disempower those we wish to help, feeding our egos while others grow dependent on us. It’s a pattern I’ve dedicated myself to breaking, both personally and professionally.
Redefining Help in Leadership
It’s important to redefine the role of a leader in supporting their teams. The pandemic has made this even more imperative, as we straddle the line between driving results and caring for our teams’ well-being. Reflect with me on why we get into this pattern of over-helping. It’s often rooted in societal conditioning that tells us, especially women, to prioritise others before ourselves.
How to Listen and Let Go
In the whirlwind of leadership, we can get sucked into “solutioneering.” So, I invite you to practice stopping and truly listening – really hearing what’s said and also what’s unsaid. Understanding, not solving, should be our mantra. Reflective listening can slow down both your pace and that of the person seeking help, creating a space for genuine growth.
Inner Reflection Before Outward Action
Another key aspect to consider is your internal dialogue. What beliefs are propping up your identity as a leader? Are you shouldering the weight of all solutions simply because of your title? It’s a heavy and often unnecessary burden to carry. It’s so crucial to evaluate how we define ‘support.’ I’ve seen many leaders, including myself, mistake creating a dependency as being supportive. Encouraging independence is a far healthier approach. It’s about helping your team navigate their challenges, not taking them on as your own.
Pause Before You Say Yes
Finally, take a moment before you say yes. Overcommitting is a common pitfall for high achievers. Asking yourself why you’re inclined to say yes and what consequences it entails is essential for maintaining balance. I want you to remember that redefining how we help doesn’t mean abandoning others. It’s not about stepping down; it’s about stepping up in a different, more sustainable way.
For more insights into embracing a balanced life of leadership, tune into Your Permission to Pause here.